Silence saved me!
Silence is simpler and safer. No one wants to admit they have been sexually assaulted. Especially a teen age girl. I felt dirty, confused, and ashamed. If a child can stop the problem alone, she will. I did. But that didn’t stop the aftereffects. It is harder for a child to talk than remain silent. We can never find those first words, the perfect opening line that says it all. If we can find anyway to deny it happened, we will. Even to ourselves, especially to ourselves. My family’s help after I got raped, would have turned something horrible turn into my complete hell. If my rape had been forced into public knowledge, I would have been dead a long time ago. Silence saved me, this I know.
The truth is, I wasn’t encouraged to find any sex words or ask any questions. I didn’t want people looking at me as a rape victim. I don’t really like people knowing it now. I couldn’t even name it rape, because of my inadequate information on penetration. I wanted a clean reputation, I felt so dirty. I solved the problem of safety and kept silent.
He was the rapists. Why was it going to destroy my life and not his? A girl at 13 and a boy at 15 , what did I expect? Boys will be boys. Even if he was caught in the act, Jeff would not have gone to jail. Maybe Juvenal Hall for a few days, but never jail. Jeff would not have been convicted. He was a minor, he most likely benefit.
Even if I told the police and they proceeded to take action, I was the one who would suffer the most. I would have to repeat every dirty detail to the police over and over again. Everyone at our shared school would have known. All my relative would have found out. My mother might make me do the right thing and go through a medical exam and rape kit. And what about the court room? If I got put on the stand, the defense would have made it look like my fault. That was his job. I knew all this, my father was an attorney! I was the one with everything to lose, not my rapist. Why is it set up this way? It doesn’t make sense, and it doesn’t help us tell. Trust me.
Jeff knew, I would be questioned and looked down upon. He knew that my self image was important to me. He didn’t even feel bad about attacking me. He was at dinner that night, smiling at me at the table as I got in trouble for being rude to HIM. He took every opportunity he could to be a part of my family. He even went on vacations with us. I made it crystal clear that I hated him, I didn’t want him around. But it made no difference to my family, and Jeff enjoyed that too. Please parents don’t force your children to be around those they hate and fear. Don’t tell them to be polite!
There is no good answer for a girl in my situation. I did the absolute best I could, and I saved me. To this day, I believe I was right. My family’s help and our legal system would have destroyed me. And yet it would never have destroyed a 15 year old rapist. It would have excused him with a slap on the wrist, at most. Why can’t we get the shame and blame right on rape? Why do we make it worth it to them to rape and not worth it for us to tell?
Jeff raped me, nearly killed me, and stalked me for over two year. Even if he got caught, more than he had. He would at worst, risked a beating from my kindhearted brother who was his best friend. He was a boy and boys did that. It is part of growing up. Boys can’t control their bodies, it’s puberty. That was the belief in my home. How was that belief going to help me to talk? Let me tell you, it wasn’t. It make it difficult even now.
The truth is, I needed my family’s help before I am raped. The first time and every time Jeff crossed the line. That is how they could have helped me best. My family should be waiting for me to be raped before helping me. They can’t expect me to find the words when I know I will get no support My mother still believes it was “not that bad “or I would have told her. When actually because it was that bad, I couldn’t tell. Parents should understand and help us stay safe and tell.
My conservative 50’s style mother was uncomfortable talking about sex.
My puberty sex talk was basically: 1) people are not animals 2) all you have to say is no, and I expect you to say no. That was it, all the information I needed. How could I tell my mother her information was all wrong? I still can’t talk to her about this. She still doesn’t understand.
My mother saw Jeff leering at me and even grabbing me. She didn’t trust him and her response was to let me handle it. The dog snapped at Jeff, the dog corrected him and my mother did not. When my mother caught Jeff looking in my bedroom window, she called me down to inform me. As if it was my fault and my reasonability? She wanted to know what I should do about it! My mother did not scream or yell at Jeff, she confronted me. She did not follow up to see if Jeff continued invading my privacy. He did, for two and a half years. In fact the next day he was sitting in the walnut tree outside the large bathroom window where I showered. My mother didn’t followed up to see if he stopped and she should have. She didn‘t even tell other family members to keep a look out? No. She invited Jeff to dinner the next evening. Wasn’t that polite!
My family should have seen me change so dramatically. I was an extrovert, outside happy and free . Then suddenly, I was inside and angry. For over two years, I stayed in my room. I lost my connect with my horse as well as my faith in my family. I was lonely, scared, and constantly put in danger. What the hell was wrong with my uptight family! I needed help and they should have seen it. Please parents, pay attention when your children turn themselves inside out. They are telling you. You just don’t want to listen. Admit when something is wrong and help. We always tell you. Pay attention please help us with the words. Please, don’t force a child to be around people they hate and distrust. I absolutely know I showed this. And I got sent away from the dinner table and to my room for showing my “disrespect”. Value your child’s judgment. If you don’t, you may give them a reason to not value yours. Do you think I value my mother’s judgment here? Right, I don’t.
In the best of circumstances, children have a tough time telling. We don‘t want to admit it, even to ourselves. And when our family situation is not the “best” and sex talk is limited, we lose the memories of the physical assaults before we can find the words. Don’t expect your children to be able to come right out and say it. Being raped is not something they are proud of, it is something they are ashamed of. Admitting it is often impossible on our own.
Thank you for allowing me share my hidden side of the silence. I am here to open up the reality of sexual assault on our children. I think I need to answer questions, them maybe we can get the shame and blame right. I believe the truth is essential for helping and preventing. If I didn’t I would never expose me like this. But I want everyone to know that, children will always tell. And sometimes finding the opening words is impossible. If you love a child and they change dramatically, they are telling you something. Everyone who loves the child should learn how to listen when no words are uttered. If yo want the words, you may need to use them first. You will know by their reaction. Rape is not an accident. It is intentional and inexcusable. And no one wants to admit they have been raped. No one wants to hear it, no one wants to know the truth. I am trying to tell the truth.
I hope you will encourage and help me,
Renee
**Our hopeless situation can be made better. YOU CAN HELP!
Next week’s blog - helping your children - giving them better solutions
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